I never thought that life could be so difficult. Its all so thrilling, adventurous, amazing and boring.
My life so far I suppose has been boring- my school years were nothing to write home about and my college years were as disjointed as you could get, going from one subject to another and yet I feel ‘unlearned’, that life could still be so much more even at the age which I am rapidly getting nearer to, the big 40.
I look back at myself , writing ghost stories in my bedroom, or stealing a game of tennis with my father somewhere where we shouldn’t.
My life was going to be a grand affair, I would be part of film making, writing a novel, having children and marry someone who I could give my heart, body and soul too. Needless to say I am not doing gruesome make-up on a film, writing a book or have a husband or child to dote on, as much as now I wish I could be married to a gorgeous movie star, and have babies (Tom Hiddleston or Chris Hemsworth) and have a family I love.
No, I’m in a retail position in an OK company and dreaming of another life. Dreaming has it’s moments, living on your own you can dream to your hearts content, but it’s not reality, for that it’s the repetition of everyday life, opening and closing a shop, false smiles and juggling the personal life at the same time.
Friends pick and choose when they want to see you, even if you are not in the mood, mothers push dating websites your way and hope you luck out with an amazing date that might lead to love, as much as I would love that, the dating game is a fickle one, people lie, making themselves sound and look amazing, when they are not what they seem.
Looking to this new year though I have hope, I will keep going on the hunt for the perfect relationship, friends and lovers.
The most exciting thing this year is the possibilities of a future, even at my age, I never went to university when I was younger, now I have an opportunity to fulfil a reality not a dream, I will understand my body and identity. Losing weight the ultimate new years resolution, I can always eat well its the exercise I’m lacking, I keep thinking I need better motivation but maybe I already have it and I just need to find it within my self – I get that is a cliché and is what motivation is, but clarification is always useful, some people need help to understand themselves sometimes. Like so many people I just need to knuckle down and do it, life is short and there’s so much out there left to do.